It’s an instructive exercise—at once revealing and cathartic—to write down my fears. If I scribble them out in an unconscious stream and allow them, in this way, to come to consciousness, my fears have less control than they might otherwise have. I sat down and wrote out a page of them this morning:
One of my fears is that everything I write is nonsense
One of my fears is that people will see me for the fraud I am
One of my fears is that I won’t live to finish the job
One of my fears is that people will think I’m stupid
One of my fears is that I won’t know what to say
One of my fears is that I’m not smart enough’
One of my fears is that I’m not good enough
One of my fears is that everyone is better than I am
One of my fears is that no one will like me
One of my fears is dying a painful death
One of my fears is of being buried alive
One of my fears is that my computer will crash
One of my fears is that everyone sees through me
One of my fears is having pain
One of my fears is being ignored
One of my fears is that I won’t be heard
One of my fears is being hurt
One of my fears is not being able to see the truth
One of my fears is that I can’t control my appetite
One of my fears is leaving things unfinished
One of my fears is boredom
One of my fears is having too much to do
One of my fears is losing my mind
One of my fear is losing control of my physical functions
One of my fears is attack by a stranger
One of my fears is forgetting myself
One of my fears is not knowing what to do
One of my fears is being worthless
One of my fears is exposing myself to danger
One of my fears is not taking the risk
One of my fears is being too nice
One of my fears is giving in to others
One of my fears is losing my own boundaries
One of my fears is seeming ignorant
One of my fears is an accident on the freeway
One of my fears is doing harm to others
One of my fears is being lazy
One of my fears is being incompetent
One of my fears is losing respect
One of my fears is losing everything
One of my fears is about money
One of my fears is that I haven’t done anything with my life
One of my fears is dying without leaving a trace
One of my fears is that I’m wasting my time with writing
One of my fears is that my writing is worth nothing
One of my fears is that I won’t have time to write
One of my fears is that I can’t have fun
One of my fears is that being playful is a waste of time…
And so on, and so on…. When I look them over, after writing them without a thought, I can see the patterns that emerge, and I can see the foolishness of many—though not all!—of them. I can begin to see what might be holding me back and improve my chances of letting them go. It’s when they stand behind me, in my shadow, that my fears can very easily manipulate me into actions and behavior that are not in my best interests. They can very easily restrict my possibilities and condemn me to a life under their control.
Best to remember, too, that my fears often have my best interests at heart. They really do, for example, want to prevent me from making a fool of myself. If I repress or deny them, they will find a way to work their will. So the trick is to acknowledge them—but not necessarily to follow their advice. Sometimes a simple, “Thanks. But not now,” is all that’s needed. Followed, as always, by a conscious breath…
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